/* compile everything from here down as a standalone c program */ #if 0 /* Computer-generated religion is not new -- we've been using it to help us develop our beliefs for years. For example: * The Eastern Sikh Faith believes that the Satanic Verses was written by Walt Disney, and argues that Man will yield to the Last Trump. * The Funni Taoist Church denies that the Koran contains a direct reference to Mumon, and argues that we should beware Nirvana. To generate YOUR own belief, choose one from each section below (in best buzzword generator style): */ #endif #include #include /* NULL after a group, two NULL at end of list */ char *list[] = { "The", NULL, "Arian", "Athanasian", "Roman", "Sunni", "Eastern", "Presbyterian", "United Reformed", "Unitarian", "Anglican", "Jehovah's", "Jewish", "Fundamentalist", "Shiite", "Hari", "Shinto", "Zoroastrian", "Christian", "Salvation", "Seventh Day", "Saphardic", "Zen", "Hebraic", "Palestinian", "Galilean", "New Age", "Reformed", "Orthodox", "Southern", "Northern", "Eastern", "Western", NULL, "Catholic", "Baptist", "Protestant", "Muslim", "Moonie", "Mormon", "Witnesses", "Sikh", "Buddhist", "Krishna", "Methodist", "Fire-worshipper", "Parsee", "Theosophist", "Science", "Army", "Adventist", "Confucianist", "Shamanist", "Taoist", "Atheist", "Rosicrusian", "Sub-Genius", "Episcopalian", "Secular Humanist", "Revisionist", "Masonic", "Shriner", "Pentecostal", "Charismatic", "Thetan", "Odd Fellow", "PreClear", "Twelve Step", "Druid", "Lutheran", "Four Square", "Bible Thumpers", "Flat-Earth", "Whole-Earth", NULL, "Church", "Faith", "Sect", "Heresy", "Liberation Front", "Elder Council", "Lodge", "Society", "Temple", "Army", "Congregation", "Sunday School", "Cult", "Fellowship", NULL, "believes that", "denies that", "is strongly divided over whether", "rejects the notion that", "posits that", "insists that", "professes that", "proclaims that", "suspects that", NULL, "the Bible", "the Koran", "the Magna Carta", "the Kama Sutra", "the Bagavad Gita", "the Talmud", "the Torah", "the Satanic Verses", "the Mosaic Law", "the book of Revelation", "the collection of predictions of Nostradamus", "every Norse saga", "the new, controversial eleventh Commandment", "the Apocrypha", "the Sargent Pepper album", "the Athanasian creed", "the Rosetta Stone", "chapter thirteen of Dianetics", "a transcript of the very first Ramtha channeling", "The Writ of Common Wisdom", "a certain part of \"The Last Temptation of Christ\"", "\"The Prophet\", by Kahlil Gibran", "\"The Profit\", by Kehlog Albran", "a secret document hidden in Fawn Hall's underwear", "one of the lesser known Dead Sea Scrolls", "the Marquis de Sade's \"Bedroom Etiquette\"", "a cryptic notation on the back of the bar tab from the Last Supper", "Darwin's \"Origin of Species\"", "a particularly crude example of poetry from the men's room wall", "Elvis's Will", "The Pentagon Papers", "Shirley McLaine's \"Out on a Limb\"", "an inscription found on the basement wall in the Temple of Karnak", "\"The Life of Brian\"", "a certain scrap of MVS source code from 1971", "an IBM punch card found on the machine room floor in 1978, in reality", "the private diary of Marcia Brady", "the Book of Mormon (with introduction by Charlton Heston),", "grafitti once found on the A-train to Far Rockaway in 1969", "a certain limerick containing a reference to \"Nantucket\", in reality", "Randy Travis' Copenhagen ring", "a mysterious pattern of cat box scratchings", "\"The Yosemite\" by John Muir", "\"No Bad Dogs\", by Barbara Woodhouse", "\"Atlas Shrugged\", by Ayn Rand", "a certain cryptic coding construct of Richard Stallman", "Cher's secret tattoo", "the bumps on the skull of Thomas \"Tip\" O'Neill (if interpreted as braille),", "Jonathan Livingston Seagull", "a particularly obscure pattern of crop circles", "scene II, act V of \"The Search for Spock\"", "a forgotten screenplay by Sidney Sheldon", "the pattern of crows feet around Nancy Reagan's eyes (as interpreted by her astrologist),", "a certain old \"Leave it to Beaver\" script", "Nancy Reagan's \"My Turn\"", NULL, "predicts the eventual supremacy of", "contains a direct reference to", "has been misunderstood by", "proclaims the divinity of", "can be read as denouncing the divinity of", "is an insult to", "is a heretical misinterpretation of scripture by", "was inspired by", "denies the existence of", "contains coded messages from the Inner Child of", "was dictated by", "encodes the personal opinions of", "can be deduced from the writings of", "denies the existence of", "implies the divinity of", "justifies worshipping the sandals of", "explains the holy writings of", "can be interpreted as the memoirs of", "if read backwards, reveals cryptic messages from", "if held up to strong light, reveals a message from", NULL, "Salman Rushdie,", "the Ayatollah,", "Thomas Aquinas,", "Billy Graham,", "J. Z. Knight,", "Elijah,", "Elvis,", "Elvis Costello,", "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark,", "Jesus' little known brother Tony,", "the Reverend Al Sharpton,", "Louisiana State Senator Merle Jacobs,", "John Lennon,", "Buddy Holly,", "Andrew Lloyd Weber,", "a certain bombastic revivalist preacher,", "the creature from the Black Lagoon,", "a particular White-Supremacist from Hayden Lake,", "Jerry Lee Lewis,", "a twelve year old stigmatic from Lubbock Texas,", "Zeus,", "King Tut,", "Ernest Hemingway,", "Mariel Hemingway,", "Ernest Borgnine,", "Ernest P. Worrell,", "Ernest P. Worrell's love-child,", "\"Jake the Snake\",", "Ann Landers,", "Bess Truman,", "a fire-and-brimstone street preacher from Provo,", "the last living Baghwan Shree-Rajneesh loyalist,", "a certain white-shoed car salesman,", "Crazy Eddie,", "Howard Stern,", "a certain Australian footballer named Bubba,", "Father Guido Sarducci,", "the last practicing medicine man of the Mohicans,", "James Randi,", "Our Lady of the White Go-Go Boot,", "Verleen, The patron saint of Big Hair,", "Helga, the patron saint of Unseasoned Food,", "Randy, the patron saint of Big Pickup Trucks,", "Maxine, the patron saint of Press-on Nails,", "Tina, the patron saint of Polyester Stretch Pants,", "Boopsie, the patron saint of Large Dangly Earrings,", "Mahomet,", "Walt Disney,", "Ezekiel,", "Dan Quayle,", "Murphy Brown,", "George Bush,", "Oliver North,", "Thomas Merton", "Leo Buscaglia,", "Marilyn Quayle,", "Ernest Angsley,", "Gautama Buddha,", "Odin and Thor,", "Adolf Hitler,", "Linus Pauling,", "Pope John-Paul II,", "Bishop Spong,", "Mumon,", "Martin Scorcese,", "Bill Gates,", "Daryl Gates,", "Robert Gates,", "Robert DeNiro", "the Mormon Tabernacle Choir,", "Jim Bakker,", "Tammy-Faye Bakker,", "Jimmy Swaggart,", "Susanne Somers,", "Richard Simmons,", "Richard Lewis,", "Cardinal Richelieu,", "Charles Manson,", "James Taylor,", "Tipper Gore,", "Hillary Clinton,", "Dolly Parton,", "Jerry Falwell,", "Robert Bly,", "Joseph Campbell,", "Zig Zeigler,", "L. Ron Hubbard,", "Captain Al Hubbard,", "Jesse Helms,", "Jesse Jackson,", "Jimi Hendrix,", "The Juice Man (tm),", "Clarence Thomas,", "Long Dong Silver,", "a certain paunchy, ex-Chippendale dancer,", "the shadowy leader of a certain gang of biker nuns,", "a spaced out, pot smoking crystal worshipper,", "a certain swarthy wild-eyed, Eastern European anarchist,", "a certain middle-aged bag lady with a personality disorder,", "a certain pornography-addicted TV preacher,", "a certain washed up TV actor that's now doing infomercials on cable,", "a certain philandering, saxophone-playing Southern Governor,", "a certain flamboyant, gender-bending rock star,", "a certain female talk show pop-psychologist,", "a certain truck stop waitress from Cocolalla, Idaho,", "a certain shameful, Republican soon-to-be-ex President,", "a certain small town sheriff from North Carolina,", "an avowed heterosexual female tennis player,", "a certain absent-minded, father figure ex-President,", "a certain blonde, pointy-bra wearing pop singer,", "David Duke,", "Robert Mapplethorpe,", "Wilheim Reich,", "Kreskin,", "Mahatma Gandhi,", "Abbie Hoffman,", "Timothy Leary,", "Jack Kerouac,", "Allen Ginsberg", "Paul Krassner,", "Marlin Fitzwater,", "Ken Kesey,", "Helen Gurley Brown", "Tina Brown", "David Geffen", "Howard Cosell,", "Cy Sperling,", "Andy Warhol", "Ferdie \"The Fight Doctor\" Pacheco,", "Madonna,", "The Beatles,", NULL, "and", "but", NULL, "says", "explains", "claims", "believes", "argues", "insists", "refutes", "denies", "professes", "preaches", NULL, "that", "that soon", "that after the second coming", "that ultimately", "that inevitably", "that if we are true and faithful servants,", NULL, "we should strive for", "the world will end with", "we should beware", "we shall see", "the ungodly are about to experience", "only the faithful will achieve", "the chosen people will soon experience", "men will yield to", "women will yield to", "mankind will yield to", "man will succeed in avoiding", "woman will succeed in avoiding", "mankind will succeed in avoiding", "only the born-again will actually enjoy", "only the chosen people will experience", "the chosen people will be spared", NULL, "reincarnation.", "Judgement Day.", "the Apocalypse.", "\"Apocalypse Now\".", "Oral Robert's prayer tower.", "nirvana.", "Nirvana (the band).", "Mount Olympus.", "martyrdom.", "the Second Coming.", "the sound of one hand clapping.", "birth control.", "better living through chemistry.", "human sacrifices.", "cherry pie and damn fine coffee.", "damnation.", "Papal Infallability.", "enlightenment.", "the \"666\" mysteriously found tattooed on your head.", "pinball heaven.", "phallic idoltry.", "pubic hair on your Coke.", "a guilt-free afterlife.", "guilt-free sex.", "guilt-free bingo.", "anarchy.", "government, by the people, and for the people.", "remorse for their crimes.", "\"Crimes Against Nature\" (at least in some Southern states).", "the Turin Shroud.", "purgatory.", "premarital sex.", "a feeling of oneness with nature.", "that oh-so-fresh feeling.", "that not-so-fresh feeling.", "shiatsu massage.", "chiropractic treatment.", "ESO.", "tetrahydrocannabinol.", "lysergic acid diethylamide.", "psilocybin.", "quinuclidinyl benzilate.", "phenylpropanolamine.", "Xanax addiction.", "Prozac addiction.", "a life made livable with clozapine.", "colonic irrigation, twice a day.", "self abuse.", "real tears from Michelangelo's \"Pieta\".", "the face of Jesus in a bowl of spaghetti.", "one man, one vote.", "a resurgence of tribbles.", "a Popeil pocket fisherman.", "\"from each according to their ability, to each according to their need\".", "the upcoming Vernal Equinox.", "Buddha Nature.", "the upcoming Summer Solstice.", "trout fishing.", "rolfing.", "engrams.", "utopia.", "the ThighMaster.", "bliss.", "the monolith in 2001 A Space Odessy.", "the writings of Douglas Hofsteader.", "the end of the world.", "the eventual domination of world.", "backward masking.", "megadoses of vitamin C.", NULL, NULL /* and one last null to end the whole list */ }; main() { register i; register j; register cnt; register char *p; register char *lp; time_t seed; char buf[1024]; /* must be big enough */ char onespace[2]; onespace[0] = ' '; onespace[1] = '\0'; time(&seed); srand((long)seed); buf[0] = '\0'; for (i = 0; list[i] != NULL; i++) { /* how many in the current list? */ cnt = 0; for (j = i; list[j] != NULL; j++) { cnt++; } /* pick a random string */ j = rand() % cnt; strcat(buf, list[i + j]); strcat(buf, onespace); i += cnt; } /* print it out, breaking lines */ cnt = 0; lp = p = buf; while (*p != '\0') { cnt++; if (cnt > 65) { /* column count */ if (*p == ' ') { *p = '\0'; puts(lp); /* puts appends newline */ lp = p + 1; cnt = 0; } } p++; } if (lp != p) { puts(lp); } } #if 0 /* -- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to rhf@clarinet.com instead. */ #endif